Sunday Update on attachment and bonding

Well this post will be a biggie. It is very important to me to have everyone understand exactly what will happen after Malia gets home. I know it will be very hard for friends and family who will want to hold and touch and play for this much anticipated princess! I know I cant wait and I know how much so many of you love her too. So let me take a minute and explain exactly why and how this all will go down.
Not only will this be the hardest thing we have ever done it will be a complete nightmare for Malia. She is going to be ripped away from everyone and everything she has ever known. She doesnt know that she isnt with her family, she loves her caretakers, she doesnt know we love her and have been working so hard to bring her home, she knows what she knows and sees and smells. Coming here and being in cars and car seats (YIKES) will be traumatizing. The different smells and sounds will be very scary. All these white people will be very scary, we look and smell and SOUND very different and she will be close to 1 years old and will notice all of these things. She will be in mourning over her caregivers and her home and all that she knows. It breaks my heart knowing this but this is why we will take the following steps to help her feel secure as soon as possible.
First of all Rich and I will be her primary caregivers in the home, we will allow the kids to also bond and play with her but we will or really I (since Rich works) will really try to keep her focused on me and Rich when hes home, I dont think this will be to hard since the kids will be at school so when they get home Im sure she will be excited to have some playmates. We will NOT be allowing anyone ANYONE NO EXCEPTIONS from outside our home to hold or play with her. She needs to see that we are the ones who feeds her picks up her toys and plays with her. This is essential for the bonding process to work. Remember we are strangers to her, we know her but she will be completely freaked out by us and scared and mourning.
I ask that if she drops a toy or a binky or whatever if you happen to pick it up please hand it to me and I will give it to her.
Second, even though she seems very on track for her age we wont know that exactly until she gets home. So though she may be 1 we may still treat her like a 6 month old, we will hold and carry her as much as we can. You may see things that seem odd as we treat her maybe not her age but this is important for the bonding to happen. Feeding her and swaddling her like a baby will put her in a place of calmness and give us that one on one time that will be so very important. We also will hideout more than usual, and if we attempt an outing and have to leave please understand that we are following her lead and if we feel that she is stressed we arent worried about anyone elses feelings but hers!
I dont want anyone to feel like they cant come take a peak or even talk to us or her. Please do, she has been waited for for so long I know how excited everyone is to see her. You can play peak a boo or smile or say hi just keep it limited please. We are hoping the bonding will go smoothly but if it takes 2 weeks or 6 months we are prepared to keep at it for as long as we need to. I believe it will be obvious when we are feeling like it is ok for her to start interacting with other people.
First we will need to see all the normal stress a baby gets when her mommy walks away. It will be important for us to see that she trusts us and loves us and wants us around. It will be good to see that she is scared of strangers when they come talk to us. She will especially be scared of men Im told and especially hairy men... yes Rich has to start shaving!!!!
Bonding and attachment is essential with adopted children. There will be exceptions to almost every rule for the rest of her life. When she cries we wont be sure if its because shes upset or if it is adopted related. If she throws a tantrum it may be adopted related. We will be more understanding of toddler behavior than we were with our other kiddos. So if she is acting bratty and we seemingly dont care or are allowing something that you wouldnt, please dont judge.... we have to parent her differently than other children.
Please dont ever EVER say your adopted daughter when talking about Malia... she is simply our daughter. (I think it will be quite obvious she is adopted) Also please dont ever say how lucky she is, especially in front of her. I never want her to feel like she owes us something for us being so kind to adopt her. We are adopting because we knew we had a daughter waiting for us not because we were feeling like we needed to do some worthy deed.
I know this is a long post and a lot to take in. Please be understanding and patient with us and feel free to ask any questions. If its a dumb one I might let you know though!! LOL
Thank you so much for your support and understanding! This is going to be tough but Im hoping it wont take to long before we can pass her around and hug and snuggle and kiss her! Also I know everyone doesnt read my blog so if you happen to hear or see something you know we wouldnt like please be kind enough to spread the word. We dont want to offend anyone so feel free to be chatty about this post and share it!
I would like to leave you with a thought. Imagine your 1 year old being kidnapped by a stranger in the middle of the night. How would your baby react? Would she be just fine going with this stranger? Or would she be frightened and miss you terribly.. I know that she would not feel safe and that even though babies recover very quickly I believe that feeling can stick with them for a very long time. This adoption will be constant work, my hope is that we are open enough and smart enough to give her what she needs to feel as normal as she can and just one of us. Because she is. She is my daughter who I love so so very much.
Thanks for reading!