50 steps back

Well Friday morning I was hurrying and catching up on any adoption news when I found something I wish I hadnt. A new statement had come out by the US embassy here and here is the gist , if we dont a referral by Sept 1 of this year we will have our dossier returned to us and will not be able to adopt. Here is the part tat broke my heart.... On April 25, the Government of Vietnam announced that it will allow adoption to be completed in cases where prospective adoptive parents have been matched with a child and received an official referral prior to September 1, 2008 I dont see how we will have one by then with so many families in front of us and a lot of those families getting more than one baby.
I wish I was more eloquent in my writing so I could jot down exactly how Im feeling. The first word that comes to mind is cold, I feel so cold and a bit angry. I let myself get a really excited every time there is the slightest bit of good news but then it seems that the bad news just comes twice as big and twice as much.
While this is a very scary time for all families waiting to bring little ones home from Vietnam, I know Im not alone in how Im feeling. I really have my heart set on Vietnam, and I have searched other avenues "just in case" and really there is no other place that is a fit for us, whether its age wise or the State we live in or health or whatever. I do feel like we were led down this road for a reason, I just keep feeling like we need to remain faithful and continue down this path until I am told I cant anymore..... which will be Sept 1st.
My heart breaks for those of us waiting for a child but mostly my heart breaks for the millions of orphans waiting for us. I have selfish reasons for wanting to adopt... I want a baby BUT I also just want to give a little girl a home who doesnt have one. I want to give her all the opportunities I can and help her be whoever she wants to be. I want to love and hold and hug and kiss on her until she pushes me off. I want to giggle with her and cry with her over owwies and boyfriends and school etc. I have been able to picture Kaden and Maddie in my head before they were even born, how their hair would be cut how I would dress them how we would play on the floor... and all of that came true for me. Well like them I picture how Malia will have this beautiful dark hair cut shoulder length and I can see us rolling balls and reading books and all the fun things you get to do with your little ones.
So Ive been asked why dont you try this or try adopting here etc well I really dont have many options and my heart is only in Vietnam, truly I wish I could just jump ship and say ok lets go here but my heart wont let me. For whatever reason we will stand still literally until we are pushed off the Vietnam bus.
I have a room and a bed and clothes and shoes and toys all waiting for this little one and if she doesnt make it to us I will be crushed I will be heart broken. I dont know if other AP feel like I do but it seems like a lot of people dont get what its like to be adopting and the feelings that go with it, I feel like people think its so easy and geeze move on to somewhere else when its just not that easy. BUT I can promise you that I feel just as much love already for this child in my heart as I did when I first found out I was pregnant with Kaden and Maddie, therefore I cant just walk away yet. My first thought is Malia my last thought is Malia and millions of in between thoughts are Malia. Just like being pregnant I read any adoption book I can find I read online anywhere and I am always looking at blogs with these beautiful adopted children. I love going anywhere and seeing Asian children, I feel a connection every time I do. I remember being pregnant and smiling every time I saw a newborn with its parents well this is much the same I see a little asian face and my whole body lights up and I just want to hold and talk and play with them. Maybe a little creepy, I promise I wont nap any ones child lol!
I do appreciate why this is supposedly happening, I dont want to bring a baby home only to find out she had been kidnapped or that her parents were tricked into handing over their child. I want a legitimate orphaned child who really doesnt have a home or family. I dont ever want to have to explain to my child that your birth parents wanted you to and Im sorry that you ended up here when you had a family that loved you there. NO that would be horrible.
Thank you to everyone who has already written me and encouraged me. Thank you for the support I really appreciate it. Right now I have to put it in Gods hands and be ready for whatever comes and I am working on being ok with it either way (that may take some time).
I feel like Im babbling and I hope this all makes sense for whoever reads it bottom line I will wait and wait because I dont think you can just turn off a feeling that I believe God has put inside of your heart. I love her with all my heart already so I will fight anyway I can to bring her home.
*sorry for another sad long post