The constant ticking

Well I had a hard time with March being over.... I thought by March for sure (when we began) would be when we got our referral, thats if things had gone the way they were "supposed" to. If things had not changed we would most likely had our baby by now. BOOHOO. So March was hard and now in mid-April knowing that we are at a year mark of where I really started speaking more frequently about adoption and how much I wanted to. This is about the time I started really praying about it. I know I am not alone in my time woes and also I know that there are people who have waited so much longer than I have.
I was always ok with the thought that it would probly take a year BUT at this point Im pretty sure its going to pass that year mark and keep going and going and going. I go through periods where I feel so confident in what we are doing, and then I go through those moments where I question it all. It would be nice if the bad news would stop coming and I could just be a waiting parent rather than a "holy crap is this going to happen" parent. I go through those weeks where I eat WAY more chocolate than I should and even have those weird craving and weird dream weeks where I tell you that I feel very preggers! I have even found myself in the crazy nesting mode where nothing seems clean.
I feel bad for the kids, they are such troopers and continue to pray for Malia. When we traveled to Utah last month, I guess Maddie thought we were taking her to Aunt Becki's because she thought we were on our way to get Malia. She told the lady that checked our tickets first that we were on our way to get Malia.... I thought hmmm but let it slide THEN on the plane she again said Im going to Beckis so you can get Malia...... O CRAP, so I had to explain to her that no Malia isnt ready for us yet. Maddies dinner prayer the other night went like this... Dear Heavenly Father, please bless us to do the right thing so we can get Malia, please bless us that we can hug her and kiss her and bring her home. (Ya total tear jerker)
Kaden is very sensive so I have to be careful not to let him know if weve gotten bad news. He takes it really hard and when he sees a little asian girl at the mall or even asain ANYTHING he points it out and gets very excited with a sad longing behind it. Yesterday we found an asian shop and he was very excited and wanted the clothes LOL! very cute.
I spent about 2 hours window shopping online for clothes for her today, I havent been able to bring myself to buy any clothes lately just because I have no idea at this point when or what size she will need. (yes I know you all have seen pics of her full closet too, but thats from 0-12 months so really not that much)
I just want to bring her home... you know that feeling (for those of you have been pregnant) when you get to that 36th week and you just want the baby out so you can hold her and kiss and love on her. Thats where Im at. I want her in my arms falling asleep on my chest and drooling on my shirt. I want to make her giggle and see her play with the kids. Heck I cant wait to show her off to everyone!!
To miss Malia wherever you are.... you are loved my darling! Not only by us but by other friends and family who are such great supports, I cant wait for you to meet them... so you better hurry!!