50 steps back

Well Friday morning I was hurrying and catching up on any adoption news when I found something I wish I hadnt. A new statement had come out by the US embassy here and here is the gist , if we dont a referral by Sept 1 of this year we will have our dossier returned to us and will not be able to adopt. Here is the part tat broke my heart.... On April 25, the Government of Vietnam announced that it will allow adoption to be completed in cases where prospective adoptive parents have been matched with a child and received an official referral prior to September 1, 2008 I dont see how we will have one by then with so many families in front of us and a lot of those families getting more than one baby.
I wish I was more eloquent in my writing so I could jot down exactly how Im feeling. The first word that comes to mind is cold, I feel so cold and a bit angry. I let myself get a really excited every time there is the slightest bit of good news but then it seems that the bad news just comes twice as big and twice as much.
While this is a very scary time for all families waiting to bring little ones home from Vietnam, I know Im not alone in how Im feeling. I really have my heart set on Vietnam, and I have searched other avenues "just in case" and really there is no other place that is a fit for us, whether its age wise or the State we live in or health or whatever. I do feel like we were led down this road for a reason, I just keep feeling like we need to remain faithful and continue down this path until I am told I cant anymore..... which will be Sept 1st.
My heart breaks for those of us waiting for a child but mostly my heart breaks for the millions of orphans waiting for us. I have selfish reasons for wanting to adopt... I want a baby BUT I also just want to give a little girl a home who doesnt have one. I want to give her all the opportunities I can and help her be whoever she wants to be. I want to love and hold and hug and kiss on her until she pushes me off. I want to giggle with her and cry with her over owwies and boyfriends and school etc. I have been able to picture Kaden and Maddie in my head before they were even born, how their hair would be cut how I would dress them how we would play on the floor... and all of that came true for me. Well like them I picture how Malia will have this beautiful dark hair cut shoulder length and I can see us rolling balls and reading books and all the fun things you get to do with your little ones.
So Ive been asked why dont you try this or try adopting here etc well I really dont have many options and my heart is only in Vietnam, truly I wish I could just jump ship and say ok lets go here but my heart wont let me. For whatever reason we will stand still literally until we are pushed off the Vietnam bus.
I have a room and a bed and clothes and shoes and toys all waiting for this little one and if she doesnt make it to us I will be crushed I will be heart broken. I dont know if other AP feel like I do but it seems like a lot of people dont get what its like to be adopting and the feelings that go with it, I feel like people think its so easy and geeze move on to somewhere else when its just not that easy. BUT I can promise you that I feel just as much love already for this child in my heart as I did when I first found out I was pregnant with Kaden and Maddie, therefore I cant just walk away yet. My first thought is Malia my last thought is Malia and millions of in between thoughts are Malia. Just like being pregnant I read any adoption book I can find I read online anywhere and I am always looking at blogs with these beautiful adopted children. I love going anywhere and seeing Asian children, I feel a connection every time I do. I remember being pregnant and smiling every time I saw a newborn with its parents well this is much the same I see a little asian face and my whole body lights up and I just want to hold and talk and play with them. Maybe a little creepy, I promise I wont nap any ones child lol!
I do appreciate why this is supposedly happening, I dont want to bring a baby home only to find out she had been kidnapped or that her parents were tricked into handing over their child. I want a legitimate orphaned child who really doesnt have a home or family. I dont ever want to have to explain to my child that your birth parents wanted you to and Im sorry that you ended up here when you had a family that loved you there. NO that would be horrible.
Thank you to everyone who has already written me and encouraged me. Thank you for the support I really appreciate it. Right now I have to put it in Gods hands and be ready for whatever comes and I am working on being ok with it either way (that may take some time).
I feel like Im babbling and I hope this all makes sense for whoever reads it bottom line I will wait and wait because I dont think you can just turn off a feeling that I believe God has put inside of your heart. I love her with all my heart already so I will fight anyway I can to bring her home.
*sorry for another sad long post

Digital!

Ok here is my first real attempt at this Digital stuff! There are still a few things I cant figure out BUT Im pretty happy with the first result! Thanks Kris for all your help, and Erica for your tips.

Maddie had gymnastics today and Ive been surprised that all of a sudden she knows how to do so many new things. Once a month we are allowed to watch and today was fun! They had lots of new things to show off, and Maddie is the ultimate show off! She has the perfect little gymnast body and I love watching her in her little outfits! Anyways heres a couple very short videos of what new things she showed me today!

There goes the bride....

Well it happened a LOT sooner than we thought it would but Maddie got married yesterday! AND she didnt even tell us until it was over!! Then we find out not only is she preggers so is her new hubby! Heres how it went down.. Yesterday we had the Zimmies over and the kids were all playing outside and Maddie came in for something and said.. "I just got married to Silas" uh huuu lol we were all busting up laughing, Silas also came in and said he had married Maddie... Maddie also said YEP I kissed him too! She was very proud and direct like duh this is what you do when your married LOL Thankfully only on the cheek! Then after a little bit they both came in and let us know they were both with child. It was seriously very cute, they are the best of buds (most the time) and even after when I told Maddie you know hes younger than you she didnt care she said "I just marry who I want!" I hear ya sista! I think Rich said it best when he said Geeze everyone complains how hard it is to get girls out of the house and it only took us 4 years! I warned Silas that she was pretty expensive with all those clothes!!

The happy knocked up couple hehehe

Its a........ pink care bear!
OH must be twins LOLOL
I think on both sides we realize we will have to keep a close eye on these two and beware when it gets quiet! But for now its pretty innocent and I think its adorable.. being that I thought it was so cute I wanted them to kiss again for a photo, but I thought better of encouraging that!

The constant ticking

Well I had a hard time with March being over.... I thought by March for sure (when we began) would be when we got our referral, thats if things had gone the way they were "supposed" to. If things had not changed we would most likely had our baby by now. BOOHOO. So March was hard and now in mid-April knowing that we are at a year mark of where I really started speaking more frequently about adoption and how much I wanted to. This is about the time I started really praying about it. I know I am not alone in my time woes and also I know that there are people who have waited so much longer than I have.
I was always ok with the thought that it would probly take a year BUT at this point Im pretty sure its going to pass that year mark and keep going and going and going. I go through periods where I feel so confident in what we are doing, and then I go through those moments where I question it all. It would be nice if the bad news would stop coming and I could just be a waiting parent rather than a "holy crap is this going to happen" parent. I go through those weeks where I eat WAY more chocolate than I should and even have those weird craving and weird dream weeks where I tell you that I feel very preggers! I have even found myself in the crazy nesting mode where nothing seems clean.
I feel bad for the kids, they are such troopers and continue to pray for Malia. When we traveled to Utah last month, I guess Maddie thought we were taking her to Aunt Becki's because she thought we were on our way to get Malia. She told the lady that checked our tickets first that we were on our way to get Malia.... I thought hmmm but let it slide THEN on the plane she again said Im going to Beckis so you can get Malia...... O CRAP, so I had to explain to her that no Malia isnt ready for us yet. Maddies dinner prayer the other night went like this... Dear Heavenly Father, please bless us to do the right thing so we can get Malia, please bless us that we can hug her and kiss her and bring her home. (Ya total tear jerker)
Kaden is very sensive so I have to be careful not to let him know if weve gotten bad news. He takes it really hard and when he sees a little asian girl at the mall or even asain ANYTHING he points it out and gets very excited with a sad longing behind it. Yesterday we found an asian shop and he was very excited and wanted the clothes LOL! very cute.
I spent about 2 hours window shopping online for clothes for her today, I havent been able to bring myself to buy any clothes lately just because I have no idea at this point when or what size she will need. (yes I know you all have seen pics of her full closet too, but thats from 0-12 months so really not that much)
I just want to bring her home... you know that feeling (for those of you have been pregnant) when you get to that 36th week and you just want the baby out so you can hold her and kiss and love on her. Thats where Im at. I want her in my arms falling asleep on my chest and drooling on my shirt. I want to make her giggle and see her play with the kids. Heck I cant wait to show her off to everyone!!
To miss Malia wherever you are.... you are loved my darling! Not only by us but by other friends and family who are such great supports, I cant wait for you to meet them... so you better hurry!!

Whos your pick?

Well I think it might have been Tirsa that said we should all say who we think should or will make it to the end of American Idol once the show got further in.... well Im ready to make a pick! I think both Davids will make it to the end. I think they are both very talented very differently. I think at this point I might be pulling more for David Cook though, his song really got me yesterday and I am always surprised how he can completely change a song and make it his own! Of course there are others that I really like to but those are my picks..... for now. Guess we'll see if Im right in a month or so! So who are your picks?

Had to

I had to post this picture even though I have it on the below post. Ive been playing around with photos and I just love how this one turned out! I wish I knew how to soften more of the background so that the houses didnt show.. I will figure it all out one day! Isnt she gorgeous

Shes growing up.... dang it!

Ive been a little sad the last couple weeks noticing how big Maddie is getting. She is just growing up so fast. She uses terms that I am shocked by just because I swear she is not old enough to know the word! I remember her as a baby being this perfect tiny baby and I knew I would have my hands full. Maddie is a very sweet girl and also has a lot of spunk and diva in her too, which I love (most the time)! Having to sign her up for Kindergarten and starting her in some sports just makes it all to real. My baby is growing up. Yesterday was beautiful so we spent a lot of time outside so here are some photos and then she also had her first practice for soccer which was so adorable. What is cuter than pink cleats? Ya I'm not sure either!! I had some video of her skills but the file was to big so maybe next time!

I love that I caught this shot of her!

Maddie loves to jump, she is my dare devil
Of course the tiniest on the team AND the cutest!
warming up
AWW time to go home

Bowling Fun

Ive been a slacker about blogging the last week so here is some finish up photos from Spring Break. We went bowling with the Zimmies and had a really good time! I think Isaac out bowled us all. If it wasnt for the bumpers most of mine would have ended up in the gutter.... Im sooo much better on the Wii!

Maddie got a helping had the first time but that was all then she was all on her own!

Gutter ball
keep going keep going
a little sibling love
The Zimmies

If you build it..........

She will come?? Thats what Im hoping anyways! After moving Kaden downstairs yesterday we worked on Malias room today! I have to say that even though we could have started on her room awhile ago I have been putting it off because I havent wanted her room sitting there done and not have her ever come home. After a lot of prayers the last few days and pondering Friday night I turned to Rich and told him it was time to get her room done. I just had a feeling that we needed to move forward. So we did, we moved Kaden and bought paint and we went to town! I have to say seeing it all come together I just kept getting a little emotional and we all were feeling very excited! We still have a few things to finish up like closet doors and chair rail but over all it looks like a little girls room and I am exstatic!! We even hung up a TON of clothes from 0-12 months with so many more waiting to be hung up after that! So fun!

Maddie was really excited about getting her room ready

still need curtains but we have the valance up
YEAH! her pretty crib
I love love her bed set I bought it forever ago
A very full closet with lots of fun pretty clothes
This was the before
Those checkers were such a pain to cover
Kaden was a great help and didnt mind at all that it was his room first
I was so happy that Rich was helping me and so willing to do it all in one day
I love pink and brown

Now she just needs to get here so we can spoil her lots and lots! We love you little one

HURRY UP!!!

busy bees

Well yesterday we were busy all day moving Kaden into his new room! He was super excited and I think feels cool and more mature. It was really hard letting go and let him move down but I knew he was ready. Kaden and Maddie ended up sleeping downstairs in his bed and we thought for sure they would both get scared and end up back upstairs BUT to our surprise they fell right to sleep and even slept in a little longer than they usually do! So here are a few pics of his big kid room!

Spring Break Vaca

We went to Utah to visit my sis this week and we had a great time! I love getting to go visit her. Its very hard being so far away from her and the kids, so Im always greatful when Im able to go see them! The kids love flying, they do really well and when we got there the people around us all told them how great they were and that they had no idea kids had been there because they were so quiet! What a compliment!!

We had a great time playing with Ciara, its been quite a few months since we saw the small fry and she is getting big, (but still soo tiny). Kylie is taller than me now by at least 3 inches and she is only 12!! DANG IT! And Dallin is getting very tall to Im sure it will be no time before he towers me too.

We had a couple movie nights and a girls night (check out the next post to see how that night went) and did a lot of shopping! Of course I hit my favorite eating place Sconecutters YUM YUM!

In the photos on the plane you can see the kids with their hands in the air, this is what I had them do the very first time we ever flew with them at take off so that they wouldnt be scared, so now every time we take off or land we put our hand up in the air like we are on a ride! I think it really helped because even though on the way home the turbulance was BAD and I thought I was going to throw up, they didnt even notice and thought it was great.

Thanks for letting us come Becki we had a great time and love you guys so much!

The Haircut!

Everytime we go to Utah we stop by and see Shelby and I always get my hair done. This time we made it a girls night and took Maddie and Kylie with us! So we were trying to decide how much to cut off of Maddie, I thought about donating to locks of love and got online and saw that we had to cut off at least 10 inches which would have put it right under her shoulder..... I wasnt ready for that. We have so much fun with her long hair and we always try new things so we decided about 3-4 inches would be better and here are the results!

Heres the hair on the floor

Maddie was shocked seeing all that hair
She jumped right up on the chair ready and excited for her cut

Here we go YIKES (I almost cried)
still chipper and happy about this
So here was the before (you can judge by the lines on her shirt)
And now here is the after...
It looks fuller and healthier and she absolutely loves it. Her hair gets tangled really easy and Im hoping this shorter do will help with that. Also she is at the age she needs to start bathing herself and now it will be easier for her to wash her own hair!