Shut'in it down!

I guess this is a love letter and a goodbye letter to this blog.
I created this blog at first as a way to keep family and friends up to date on our family especially while we were in the process of adopting Malia. There was no way I could keep everyone updated on everything and it was overwhelming having to explain the process to so many people and was really nice to be able to do that in this open forum.
I also wanted my blog to be open for other adopting families to help others understand the process. I knew how helpful it was for me to be able to follow the process on others blogs especially seeing the little faces home. It kept me sane.
After Malia came home we continued and it has become my journal. A way to keep track of what my babies are doing and have done because I am not very good at sitting down and writing it out on paper.

I have gotten to a point where I am ready to change how I do things though. I have found that I have presented myself in a way that is unfair to my own character. Not only on my blog but other public forums and situations. I have opened myself and my family up to criticism and judgement that is unfair and unwarranted. And realizing how others view me and my kids has been heartbreaking.
I feel like I have been party to a witch hunt, I'm on the rock with stones being thrown and shouting "Its not true, theres no proof!" but nobody can hear me because of the betrayal to myself in misrepresenting myself.

A couple years ago I started to feel stronger about who I am and felt strong enough to protect myself against certain things. I was really happy to be feeling like I knew who I was and who I wanted to become. I am a pretty sarcastic person, I rip on myself more than anything else and truly like to make people laugh until they cry. I like to anonymously help others because I am uncomfortable with the attention it brings. I take pride in the mother that I am, but have the knowledge that I am not a perfect mother, wife, friend, Christian or just person.

So learning that people view me differently than I view myself sucks to be honest, especially when I felt like I had been trying to be so true to myself lately. I the worst part is knowing that even though I know certain things aren't true, I can only blame myself for putting a certain energy out in the world for things to come back to me in this way.

I have loved meeting new people through this outlet. I have made very good friendships because of this blog in particular and so I am thankful for that. I want to thank everyone who has commented on the funny, the hard and the sad. I have been boosted many times because of those comments, they were really appreciated.

But I am shutting it down. For the last 6 months or so I have quit blogging for the most part because I have felt so self conscious and worried way to much about what I am saying and doing. Whether I am bragging about my kids to much and putting their pictures up. And now looking back I am so mad at myself because there are so many things already lost because I didn't journal it on here this year. I am so disappointed in myself for letting others feelings about me dictate how I run my life. I guess I have had my Oprah aha moment. And now I am ready to move on!

I will continue this blog but it is going to be private, except for family and a few close friends. If you want to be one of those close friends let me know. I will be making this private in a few days so comment or email me. I will also be clearing out my facebook to mostly family or close friends that I have weekly interaction with because sometimes that is just the easiest way to get in touch with people. This isnt personal, Im not looking to hurt any ones feelings, truly I am not. I just need to clear things out and make my life a little simpler and safer.

Thanks again for being a part of our lives and sharing yours too!